Howdy!
Today is my 7th day of experiencing this trail-life sub-culture type of livin'! We actually only hiked 2 miles today, got a ride into Hiawassee, GA from a man named Jim who was parked in a parking lot off the trail chanting Buddhist chants. (Lots of synchronistic moments, this was but one of the many thus far!)
We got a ride to our first hostel this morning and will be our first bed to sleep in this past week. The other nights have been either in a tent with the net, under a tarp with no net, and last night we decided to just lay our sleeping bags out under the stars. After we took showers and washed our clothes at the Blueberry Patch Hostel this morning, we hitch-hiked and got a ride from Sheriff Wayne into town. Wayne was a nice southern man who was jamming Eminem, something I found lovely since a lot of the music I brought for this trip was hip-hop and rap : ) Just to change things up a bit.
Oh man the Trail Magic, or just the good luck and good fortune that comes your way when hiking is REAL.100%
Just when we have run out of water, to be without a spring for another 4 miles, there is someone waiting at the bottom of the hill before the highway intersects our path with gallons of h20. Remarkable. Blessed faith.
My body has already begun to undergo quite a bit of change. My knees were killing me the first day of hiking. So much that I cried myself to sleep, thinking that I was sure to have to pack it up and go home early. The next morning, there was no pain in my knees.
I have been approaching this hike like I approach yoga: erring on the gentle side, yet persistent vigor, respecting the body, and rejoicing in making modifications. No competition. No judgment. Taking breaks to catch my breath, moving slow. My trekking poles are my second pair of feet and I love them so dearly.
The first 3 days were rough. Knee pain. Blisters. Fatigue. Bad shoes. (Got new shoes on our first stop in Neels Gap). But it is getting easier and I am learning.
The beauty is overpowering. The mountain air gets me high!
Strong body, open heart.
All in perfect timing!
LOVE,
Uppsee (my trail name that was given to me!)
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Bodies to Bees to Butterflies
A poem I wrote...maybe 4 or 5 years ago. I found it on the interweb, and decided to repost it.
To keep it alive.
I hear their bodies move, along with the crisp sheets.
As they change positions, they simultaneously pause.
The world fades away and they all of a sudden have the energy.
The energy to touch wings. Or was it mouths?
In the midst of a silent slumber.
The energy to take the time to slide their fingertips
along the others bare shoulder.
The energy to lift their lashes, just for a quick glimpse,
before sleepily pointing them back down.
All before fading back into their sweet, sweet dreams.
There is stillness.
They are still.
Their nectar drifts to my side of the room.
Seeing their sweetness puts me in a place that I have not been in a long while.
It brings a smile to my face and a flutter to my eye
But it also makes me realize:
I am alone.
I am the only one to manipulate these wings of mine.
How badly I wish you were here.
Not again.
The Butterflies!
They spin and swirl in my abdomen, blindly mistaking my cavity for a way of release.
The only escaping them, those butterflies, is for this to morph into nothingness.
I am not there yet.
Honey.
May I call you honey?
You say ‘we are bees’
But we are butterflies.
And I could never settle for anything less than butterflies.
When the next moon arises,
Will you please come over and ruffle my wings?
Tangle me and entrap me.
I would love nothing more
Than to get lost in this with you.
We could lose our color and our appeal,
The will of flight and the drive to pollinate.
We could change our names,
Cocoon ourselves.
Just as they do.
To keep it alive.
I hear their bodies move, along with the crisp sheets.
As they change positions, they simultaneously pause.
The world fades away and they all of a sudden have the energy.
The energy to touch wings. Or was it mouths?
In the midst of a silent slumber.
The energy to take the time to slide their fingertips
along the others bare shoulder.
The energy to lift their lashes, just for a quick glimpse,
before sleepily pointing them back down.
All before fading back into their sweet, sweet dreams.
There is stillness.
They are still.
Their nectar drifts to my side of the room.
Seeing their sweetness puts me in a place that I have not been in a long while.
It brings a smile to my face and a flutter to my eye
But it also makes me realize:
I am alone.
I am the only one to manipulate these wings of mine.
How badly I wish you were here.
Not again.
The Butterflies!
They spin and swirl in my abdomen, blindly mistaking my cavity for a way of release.
The only escaping them, those butterflies, is for this to morph into nothingness.
I am not there yet.
Honey.
May I call you honey?
You say ‘we are bees’
But we are butterflies.
And I could never settle for anything less than butterflies.
When the next moon arises,
Will you please come over and ruffle my wings?
Tangle me and entrap me.
I would love nothing more
Than to get lost in this with you.
We could lose our color and our appeal,
The will of flight and the drive to pollinate.
We could change our names,
Cocoon ourselves.
Just as they do.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Warriors and Cups
I
seem to have found myself surrounded by children, teenagers, or populations of
youth the past months. I work with children just about everyday; either as a
nanny or babysitter for children who have loving parents that are fortunate
enough to hire a nanny or babysitter, or I am working with children (mostly
teens) in a shelter. The children in the shelter come from broken homes where
they have been abandoned, neglected, or abused. Most of these youth are Hispanic
or black, differing from my ethnicity and the heritage I was raised in. Not only am I white
skinned, I am terribly fair skinned, fair eyed, and fair-haired.
When I work in the shelter, it is as
if I am entering a very different universe, an entirely different species of
thought, behavior, and existence—even the language is sometimes different. "Saca la basura y limpia tu cuarto!"
I
enter a universe of trauma survivors, children who have blamed themselves for
burdens as large as mountains, that no human could possibly create, a world
where their gifts have never been pointed out to them, a universe that houses
bright cities of possibility, but the electricity bill was neglected to be
paid.
When I go to work, I make sure to put on my warrior suit,
because some days I need protection. Some days I am not sure what words will
fly through the air, trying to stab me, or the possibility of a pain projected
and clenched so tight that a fist through the air is the only perceived outlet.
I have to wear a warrior suit because I work with young warriors. They are
tough and iron to the bone. They are rough, and sometimes mean. They have
abilities to lie, cheat, and steal because that is what they were taught. They
have a whole universe to unravel, un-do, un-know, and so much to let go of.
They are strong, so very strong willed. Their hearts are some of the strongest
I’ve ever seen. Their hearts are guarded and protected, cradled like an infant,
exactly how they swear they will treat their own children one day.
And you can
imagine the delight an outsider like myself must experience when I get to see
these young warriors open their hearts, even for a moment. To realize that a
rapport is being created right now! To be able to listen to these young,
strong-headed, warriors tell of the tales of horror and hell of their pasts,
and to soften their hearts enough to tell a stranger like myself, that they are
scared, deeply saddened, and wounded of what was. The immeasurable compassion
and empathy shown at key and crucial moments by all of the staff, counselors,
and other mentors like myself is sometimes enough to take even the tightest of
chains one link looser around the most imprisoned of hearts.
There are two cups that I recognize with the population of
youth I work with. One cup has no bottom, for it is the drain of human emotion,
energy, and symbolized deprivation. The feeling and embodiment of not having
enough, a constant and plaguing hunger. The other cup is a spring and well of
human emotion, energy, and symbolized plenty. This second cup has much to
offer, give, heal, and connect to. The second cup quenches the thirst of the first, and is
the ultimate Band-Aid.
Some weeks I forget the second cup of life even exists in
this world of profanity, violence, drugs, and street smarts. Then a child opens
up. A child takes me into their world, and shares a piece of their life with
me, a piece of their skin with me, failing to see the difference between my
fair skin and their ebony skin. At that rare and dazzling moment, reminders of
the second cup flood my mind, and wash away every instance of the first cup;
for the second cup, the cup of heart connection, trust, and love is the very
reason why I put myself in the battlefield of warrior’s everyday.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Moon Trip has a little change of Heart.
I smile as I come back to my blogspot, which has been abandoned for many months now. I smile and feel an incredible warmth by reading the title of my blog: Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way.
Ah, yes. Reaffirms everything, and the point of this post right now. For many months I have been prompted to go on a very large are lengthy trip. Hiking the Appalachian Trail with my siggy-other*.
A six month, over 2,000 mile rigorous hiking trip.
"Eh, no babe...that is your thing, your trip. I fully support you, gonna miss the hell outta you, but I've got other things to do on my path. Like grad school, work, save money..."
The above was almost my exact excuse for at least 9 months now.
AND THEN. The epiphany and greatest scheme my mind has conjured up since NYC days...
I can HAVE and EXPERIENCE both!
My hopeful plan of grad school in August...work for the next few months....and do maybe half of the Appalachian trip. Sounds like a win. Moving to Colorado for grad school (fingers crossed...still waiting...) has totally justified purchasing expensive and necessary hiking gear. What better place to be ready for a hike than the good ol' Rockies?
I think the next plan of action is to get my mind right for all of this. Starting by taking my own ownership of this trip. Seeing my individual journey and mountains to overcome while being part of a pairing. Creating my own reasons and intentions for joining. Creating a path just as much as I am joining on an already planned and paved path. Asking myself pensive questions, and working on creating and redefining those answers. Getting involved in the plans and realizing that the mountains have been waiting on me this whole time to just say YES!
Getting on my way,
Moon Trip ;)
*siggy other: aka. my boo, my man, my love shack :)
Ah, yes. Reaffirms everything, and the point of this post right now. For many months I have been prompted to go on a very large are lengthy trip. Hiking the Appalachian Trail with my siggy-other*.
A six month, over 2,000 mile rigorous hiking trip.
"Eh, no babe...that is your thing, your trip. I fully support you, gonna miss the hell outta you, but I've got other things to do on my path. Like grad school, work, save money..."
The above was almost my exact excuse for at least 9 months now.
AND THEN. The epiphany and greatest scheme my mind has conjured up since NYC days...
I can HAVE and EXPERIENCE both!
My hopeful plan of grad school in August...work for the next few months....and do maybe half of the Appalachian trip. Sounds like a win. Moving to Colorado for grad school (fingers crossed...still waiting...) has totally justified purchasing expensive and necessary hiking gear. What better place to be ready for a hike than the good ol' Rockies?
I think the next plan of action is to get my mind right for all of this. Starting by taking my own ownership of this trip. Seeing my individual journey and mountains to overcome while being part of a pairing. Creating my own reasons and intentions for joining. Creating a path just as much as I am joining on an already planned and paved path. Asking myself pensive questions, and working on creating and redefining those answers. Getting involved in the plans and realizing that the mountains have been waiting on me this whole time to just say YES!
Getting on my way,
Moon Trip ;)
*siggy other: aka. my boo, my man, my love shack :)
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Ideas are to Seeds as Actions are to Flowers
So it's been a hot minute since I have even had the time to post. But not having the time is a silly excuse, since it is 4am and I do have to work in a few hours. SLEEP WHEN THE BODY IS TIRED. It is such a sacred gift for the creative energy to spontaneously arise! Must use it when it's hot, regardless of time!
So I've been in NYC for about 3.5 months. I feel blessed to live in a city that allows me to fall in love with it everyday. Some days, up to 6 times a day. That is a lot of love! Friends, family, mom, and dad: Texas is for visiting now : )
I am learning to fall in love with frustration too. Today I handed out flyers to support Malt n' Mold, a small specialty beer and cheese shop on the Lower East Side. Got VERY lost on my way back to the shop. But that is part of it, and I'm sure I learned something about the city that will come in handy in a few days. Seems to be the case with EVERYTHING these days. In the moment, I feel like I am wasting time, resources, or energy...and then within days, the lesson or the "useless" information actually turns out to be just what I was looking for. Frustration=fruit for the future.
Lots of planting seeds recently. Exciting things on the horizon.
The burden of finding out I was one credit shy from graduating a few months ago has turned out to be 108 small angels. I created 108 postcards for my independent painting class...and tomorrow I am taking them into a print shop so I can start to sell my art. Business cards are being made as well. Frustration=fruit for the future.
The seed of traveling to India was planted long ago. And I believe that it will be a reality this winter. To spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and my birthday in India sounds like the most exquisite way to end 2012, welcome 2013, and start my 24th year.
One more instance of a seedling: back in Texas, a few months before I moved to NYC... I created an elaborate profile for an egg donor agency. I have always been interested in the process and find a lot of joy by donating blood, plasma, bone marrow, etc. So I figured, this would be a great idea. Last week, I heard back from the agency saying that there is a couple in New Jersey (how convenient is this!?!) that are interested in my eggies. Thrilled to see where this goes. Thrilled to learn more about my body from the inside out, thrilled to give life.
We must implement our ideas, our seeds, our eggs. There is power in action and gratifying rewards to be harvested. Don't sleep and drown the dancing, feminine, creative power that exists in every single moment! I think the universe weeps with joy when we use the gifts of her giving!
It is now 5am, my body wasn't tired, so I didn't sleep...now it's time to practice my moving prayer.
In love,
Candice
So I've been in NYC for about 3.5 months. I feel blessed to live in a city that allows me to fall in love with it everyday. Some days, up to 6 times a day. That is a lot of love! Friends, family, mom, and dad: Texas is for visiting now : )
Lots of planting seeds recently. Exciting things on the horizon.
The burden of finding out I was one credit shy from graduating a few months ago has turned out to be 108 small angels. I created 108 postcards for my independent painting class...and tomorrow I am taking them into a print shop so I can start to sell my art. Business cards are being made as well. Frustration=fruit for the future.
The seed of traveling to India was planted long ago. And I believe that it will be a reality this winter. To spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and my birthday in India sounds like the most exquisite way to end 2012, welcome 2013, and start my 24th year.
One more instance of a seedling: back in Texas, a few months before I moved to NYC... I created an elaborate profile for an egg donor agency. I have always been interested in the process and find a lot of joy by donating blood, plasma, bone marrow, etc. So I figured, this would be a great idea. Last week, I heard back from the agency saying that there is a couple in New Jersey (how convenient is this!?!) that are interested in my eggies. Thrilled to see where this goes. Thrilled to learn more about my body from the inside out, thrilled to give life.
We must implement our ideas, our seeds, our eggs. There is power in action and gratifying rewards to be harvested. Don't sleep and drown the dancing, feminine, creative power that exists in every single moment! I think the universe weeps with joy when we use the gifts of her giving!
It is now 5am, my body wasn't tired, so I didn't sleep...now it's time to practice my moving prayer.
In love,
Candice
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Observations of Pain and Bra Burning
I started this blog as a way of liberating my thoughts, the connections, and parallels I notice in my life. I do feel that when someone does this...liberates their thoughts and views, it will ultimately have to ripple and affect at least someone. Some one or two.
Lately, I have been quite interested and intrigued by the sensing world. Not only sensing as in our intuition but also a very physical experience of sensations. Our ability to sense, to smell, to feel upon our largest organ, the skin.
With our skin stretched upon our bodies, covering the blues and bones...we have every opportunity to feel and experience pleasure and of course, pain. Which leads me to my next area of interest...what exactly is pain? And is it just a perception?
Two of the most profound understandings of pain have been realized when I was indeed experiencing something very uncomfortable, but in that exact moment, I asked myself... "What is it that makes me not enjoy this?...Is this truly pain, discomfort, irritability? Or is all of this my conditioning to thinking that this is pain and that I shouldn't enjoy it, just for what it is?"
Instance #1. I had food poisoning a while back. I was vomiting in my bathroom at my old apt. Very upset stomach. And then those series of questions happened. Right in the moment of purge. My upset stomach didn't go away, but my fixating on my perceived misery did. And at that moment, I thought...this too can be something sweet. This vomiting, ill belly, shivery shaking, can also be accepted into my realm of appreciating my life. I tried to become very intimate with what was happening. Very curious about this body and how it reacts to spoiled or disagreeable food. The whole situation shifted into being something I was bothered by to something I was still bothered by but EXTREMELY intrigued with.
Instance #2: Got a very, very bad sunburn at the beach a few days ago. Maybe the worst sunburn I have had in at least 10 years. Just on my back. It is now peeling like crazy, a shedding of some old skin, which I too find some interest in. The days following the bloody burn, I had to wear a backpack, clothes...skipped on the bra though...which TOO turned into a titillating ( : experiment of liberating myself, and also noticing how New Yorkers respond to the fast paced bra-less walking. (HA!)
But for the first half of my journey walking with a backpack, my thoughts were primarily focused on how much longer until I get to the subway, can take off this pain-pack and find some relief without anything rubbing against my burn. Basically searching the many ways I could not feel what I was feeling. And then it happened again! Some light-filled thought of...try understanding more of what it is to be burned. By something as powerful and mighty as the sun. That kiss from the sun was so super sexy that it burned the hell out of my back. SO HOT that I can feel it days later. And the switch from pain, annoyance, trying to escape...shifted to extreme interest and investigation of the sensations upon my skin. I could feel the entirety of the experience...hot and cold. Heat and chills. The feelings turned very neutral then. Just something else mundane to watch and witness.
As little or insignificant this may seem, I feel like this is something really, really huge. Something that transcends sunburns and tummy aches. Something that can aid to find peace, deep understanding, and acceptance to whatever it is that comes up to trigger an initial reaction of "Ouch. I don't like this. I want this to go away." Whether that comes in the form of scrapes, bruises, emotional insecurities, ridiculous yoga asanas, despair, bad dreams, burning your tongue on too hot, too sexy coffee.
Only outta love,
Candice
Lately, I have been quite interested and intrigued by the sensing world. Not only sensing as in our intuition but also a very physical experience of sensations. Our ability to sense, to smell, to feel upon our largest organ, the skin.
With our skin stretched upon our bodies, covering the blues and bones...we have every opportunity to feel and experience pleasure and of course, pain. Which leads me to my next area of interest...what exactly is pain? And is it just a perception?
Two of the most profound understandings of pain have been realized when I was indeed experiencing something very uncomfortable, but in that exact moment, I asked myself... "What is it that makes me not enjoy this?...Is this truly pain, discomfort, irritability? Or is all of this my conditioning to thinking that this is pain and that I shouldn't enjoy it, just for what it is?"
Instance #1. I had food poisoning a while back. I was vomiting in my bathroom at my old apt. Very upset stomach. And then those series of questions happened. Right in the moment of purge. My upset stomach didn't go away, but my fixating on my perceived misery did. And at that moment, I thought...this too can be something sweet. This vomiting, ill belly, shivery shaking, can also be accepted into my realm of appreciating my life. I tried to become very intimate with what was happening. Very curious about this body and how it reacts to spoiled or disagreeable food. The whole situation shifted into being something I was bothered by to something I was still bothered by but EXTREMELY intrigued with.
Instance #2: Got a very, very bad sunburn at the beach a few days ago. Maybe the worst sunburn I have had in at least 10 years. Just on my back. It is now peeling like crazy, a shedding of some old skin, which I too find some interest in. The days following the bloody burn, I had to wear a backpack, clothes...skipped on the bra though...which TOO turned into a titillating ( : experiment of liberating myself, and also noticing how New Yorkers respond to the fast paced bra-less walking. (HA!)
But for the first half of my journey walking with a backpack, my thoughts were primarily focused on how much longer until I get to the subway, can take off this pain-pack and find some relief without anything rubbing against my burn. Basically searching the many ways I could not feel what I was feeling. And then it happened again! Some light-filled thought of...try understanding more of what it is to be burned. By something as powerful and mighty as the sun. That kiss from the sun was so super sexy that it burned the hell out of my back. SO HOT that I can feel it days later. And the switch from pain, annoyance, trying to escape...shifted to extreme interest and investigation of the sensations upon my skin. I could feel the entirety of the experience...hot and cold. Heat and chills. The feelings turned very neutral then. Just something else mundane to watch and witness.
As little or insignificant this may seem, I feel like this is something really, really huge. Something that transcends sunburns and tummy aches. Something that can aid to find peace, deep understanding, and acceptance to whatever it is that comes up to trigger an initial reaction of "Ouch. I don't like this. I want this to go away." Whether that comes in the form of scrapes, bruises, emotional insecurities, ridiculous yoga asanas, despair, bad dreams, burning your tongue on too hot, too sexy coffee.
Only outta love,
Candice
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Schedule Searching, NY tight-ness, & Comparisons
Good afternoon, my dear darlings from the big manzana!
Life is continuing to progress better and better everyday here.
Still loving my barista job. As far as teaching yoga goes, I am
subbing a class for a studio that is literally 20 deep breaths (if that) away from
my house starting this coming Tues. And, I am also going to start teaching a weekly class at the coffee shop I work at. Excited about this...should be a nice neighborhood crowd, everyone hopped
up on caffeine...should be able to jump through and jump back quite swiftly.
So, I suppose a schedule is settling in, which brings a little bit of ease to my mind.
Yeah, yeah the queen of "no plans" secretly feels delight and comfort in (loose) plans!
On another note as far as plans go... still entertaining the idea of moving to Austin at the end of summer. Looked at very reasonable $ rooms for rent out of great houses in Hyde Park. Texas won't be so oppressively hot, Austin rocks, and ofcourse being closer to my boo is muy importante. Also, I have some good job opportunities/growth opportunities in store if I shall desire them.
Either way, anyway, I know I will be happy and be making the best possible choice ever. Whichever direction my nose takes me. Anywhere we go, there we are, and joy, abundance, and happiness is right there with us. Yes?
Now, lets talk yoga. I surrendered a bit today. I decided that, until I get really consistent with my practice again, 2nd series is not necessary. Primary is primary and any ideas of boredom are illusions and excuses to not looking DEEPER. New York has me on this whacky schedule of getting allured into fun nightlife, and some mornings neglecting my practice. I am sorry, body.
Also, I am finding in this large and grand city, that there is just more tightness IN my body. Quite a few more obstacles than in safe haven San Marcos. Getting a jolt of panic, tension, or fear happens more often for me here. And my body makes a quick grimace, and then my hips feel tight, and then putting a leg behind my head all of a sudden seems quite unreasonable.
So I decided today, that what my body used to do doesn't really matter. She is still capable of learning anything and everything, with a little more attention to time management and given more love. Comparing then and now, doesn't quite do me any peace. This is it. This is all it. This is my body and my life RIGHT NOW.
I guess, this goes for any other type of comparison. Old room, new room. Old car, new subway. Old plenty, new minimal. Old job, new job. All of it is worthy and beautiful, and I am still being taken care of by the gentle guidance of the universe. So, I guess I can relax now.
Life is continuing to progress better and better everyday here.
Still loving my barista job. As far as teaching yoga goes, I am
subbing a class for a studio that is literally 20 deep breaths (if that) away from
my house starting this coming Tues. And, I am also going to start teaching a weekly class at the coffee shop I work at. Excited about this...should be a nice neighborhood crowd, everyone hopped
up on caffeine...should be able to jump through and jump back quite swiftly.
So, I suppose a schedule is settling in, which brings a little bit of ease to my mind.
Yeah, yeah the queen of "no plans" secretly feels delight and comfort in (loose) plans!
On another note as far as plans go... still entertaining the idea of moving to Austin at the end of summer. Looked at very reasonable $ rooms for rent out of great houses in Hyde Park. Texas won't be so oppressively hot, Austin rocks, and ofcourse being closer to my boo is muy importante. Also, I have some good job opportunities/growth opportunities in store if I shall desire them.
Either way, anyway, I know I will be happy and be making the best possible choice ever. Whichever direction my nose takes me. Anywhere we go, there we are, and joy, abundance, and happiness is right there with us. Yes?
Now, lets talk yoga. I surrendered a bit today. I decided that, until I get really consistent with my practice again, 2nd series is not necessary. Primary is primary and any ideas of boredom are illusions and excuses to not looking DEEPER. New York has me on this whacky schedule of getting allured into fun nightlife, and some mornings neglecting my practice. I am sorry, body.
Also, I am finding in this large and grand city, that there is just more tightness IN my body. Quite a few more obstacles than in safe haven San Marcos. Getting a jolt of panic, tension, or fear happens more often for me here. And my body makes a quick grimace, and then my hips feel tight, and then putting a leg behind my head all of a sudden seems quite unreasonable.
So I decided today, that what my body used to do doesn't really matter. She is still capable of learning anything and everything, with a little more attention to time management and given more love. Comparing then and now, doesn't quite do me any peace. This is it. This is all it. This is my body and my life RIGHT NOW.
I guess, this goes for any other type of comparison. Old room, new room. Old car, new subway. Old plenty, new minimal. Old job, new job. All of it is worthy and beautiful, and I am still being taken care of by the gentle guidance of the universe. So, I guess I can relax now.
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