Deterioration of Things Domestic

 The countdown is on:
30 days til graduation
33 days until I move


I have been abnormally anxious and antsy the past few days. Like I am overflowing with energy but I don't know where to put it. It really doesn't help when I have 3 paintings due in 3 weeks and I had to order the canvas's online....yesterday. 


Chakra paintings are still in progress, but all of them are at least 85% finished. Or something like that. The chakra paintings have been challenging to work on this week. I believe it to be an avoidance issue; I haven't wanted to think of how they will take my place in the studio, instead of me. I'm not quite ready to let that storm break through quite yet. Perhaps I should change the train of thought to... since I am leaving, these better suffice well! Work hard, put every single last drop of love and affection into these!


Technical-tangible-physical- world related difficulties this week! 


The week I am wanting to sell my favorite couch, the AC unit decided to leak not once, or twice, but three times...water all over the couch. Mystery puddles, as I have been calling them. Sobs from a red saint. 

Biggest bet peeve: things breaking down. Computers, vacuums, leaks, doorlocks, screen doors. Damn domestic things.


I've been trying to think...okay, what needs to be done before I up and leave...I feel as if I am leaving things out. Or that I should have more things together in NYC. 

pppffff, that aint my style. 

Trust the universe. She provides. Always has. This change will be no different. 

TRUTH! 

 

Tingles of Imagination Wild

 Spring Break in a few words:

Giving. Receiving. Allowing. Being. Movement. Gears. Rivers. Water. Yum-yum.

Waking life feels like a dream, absurdly surreal these days. My week of spring break was incredible and quite enchanting. All of it.

The trip to the Ouachita National Forest with beautiful people, backpacking, rivers, meadows, peace and quiet.

Profound love. Perfect.
Tears. Perfect.
Big hugs. Big love. All perfect.

Sirque de Soleil awestruck. Inquisitiveness.

Healing groups with overwhelming compassion, self love, humanity love.
Tears, kissed perfect. The kindness of strangers.

Total embrace. Connection.




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To touch back on the topic of my coffee ban and vegan experiment...it is still going pretty well. I've adjusted a few things, and have realized a few things in these adjustments.

I've adjusted to drinking coffee again. (hehehe) It all started when it was midnight and my turn to drive on my roadtrip to Arkansas. I didn't have a choice, but to use coffee and the beautiful stimulant that it is! Also, my mama coincidentlely was reading The Caffeine Advantage when I went home the other night. Total sign. We engaged in a discussion how some of the oldest living people we know (including my great grandmother who lived to be 104) were coffee drinkers. Living to be 108 is a goal of mine, so I might as well get back on that grind : ) I want to develop the soul that lives in my body SO much with years of experience & love so the next someone or something that gets to borrow her can have more freedom and love in their life. Yes. YES!

I made it 3 weeks! So a little shy of 30 days. But, now this lesson is a lesson in self love. And no judgment. I don't have to complete a goal 100% to remember that I am disciplined and great. Unconditionally loving myself, no matter what. No matter what error (or perception of error) occurs. 

Whispering to myself...


Whatever he or she or me does, I love you. We can do no wrong. And even the "wrongs" can be forgiven with time. All is but an illusion. Thank you mirrors.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Culmination of Thoughts Thoughts

Tuesday will mark my two weeks without coffee. Most mornings I wake up groggy and a little pissed but I am hoping it will pass. Maybe I need a little more sunshine and river time. I do feel like extracting things from the diet (and life)...will be beneficial. Soon. Just right now, it isn't much fun. It feels similar to a breakup.

Vegan eating is challenging. Waiters forget to cut the cheese, but I just try to work around it. I guess I could drive myself insane worrying about the little details...eggs in bread? Eggs in this tortilla? Is this faux leather on this messenger bag strap? These things, I am trying to dismiss for my own sanity. Perfection is a nasty habit. ahfiudsugnfsdugnubgnukrdbguirgurdngnelrtgkndfjngk

My mind feels like a rainstorm and I really fucking miss coffee. (***See bottom for side note...or bottom note) It has occurred to me that everything that I am experiencing really has nothing to do with the food, or drink...but something deeper. Something much more hidden. The uncovering process feels painful, but where there is deep darkness, the brilliant sun and light is right around the corner.

This is a practice in trust. Trusting myself, with what I am doing will eventually lead me to my destination, or to a new level of living and experiencing my reality. Something better. Clarity is the goal but this purging process seems to be clarity's counterpart. A lot of confusion and inner turmoil and not understanding things simply as they are. Toe-curling discomfort in this body's skin some days.

This is a practice in patience. Delaying gratification. Holding out for something sweeter, something of a deeper lesson. Just watching. Breathing through discomfort. Less reactionary behavior.

Half of me thinks this is ridiculous! And that I am cutting off my life force! By not allowing simple pleasures! That I should stop this immediately and clear my headache. But these thoughts, I am marking as the clever excuses to stay the same person. 

This has nothing to do with coffee anymore. This is giving up avenues of pain from toxic sources. Coffee is not the toxicity, just the path of me understanding what it truly is that needs to be released from my life. And using this disciplinary path to get there.

Aside from the inner vampires, the weekend was absolutely beautiful. Friday marked the end of my yoga teaching marathon. Twenty-one classes in 14 days. Jacob's Well is still one of my favorite places to visit, a little piece of peace.

I still enjoy occasional trips to San Antonio and the culture downtown. The Women's Day March was awesome and I am always happy to support the success of my friends. Dharma Yoga is still a retreat for me.

And I still am in love with Austin, TX.

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***I am very aware that perhaps my teachers, parents/family, yoga students, etc. may see and read this. I have realized that occasional dropping of F bombs is extremely liberating for me (especially because in the yoga world/professional world/whatever, I often try to hide such language because I might need to seem like I have it all together... Occasional F bombs = Open Vissudha Chakra = More creativity to come!!! ***

22 years and 364 days old.

Today is my last day of being twenty-two. Twenty two is my favorite number and when I was 18, I thought for sure I would have a tattoo by now. Nope, not yet. Birthdays get me very contemplative, more so than New Years, for this truly is my individual start to my new year.

Last year, my goal was to take risks. Big risks. To jump out of planes. I definitely did in many realms...love, art-making, and literally I went sky diving. I even met a stranger off of Craigslist, which actually turned out to be the best date I've ever been on. Big risks=big fun : )

I still like this idea of big risks, like moving across the country (which I hope to do in a few months((New York, I love you))) but my risk taking tactics will change a little this year. Taking risks but being equally as discriminating. Discriminating when it comes to consumption. Food, drink, sex. I decided yesterday that I would try to be a vegan for 30-40 days. And to not be a coffee drinker anymore. Maybe on occasion, but yes...as of now, I do not drink coffee daily anymore. My goal is clarity. To be as clear as possible with my own perceptions of reality. To notice more, to feel more. To not need something external to get me high. To focus on my core, my solar plexus, my personal power...all starting with my gut and digestive system. To consume more pure foods, pure liquid, and pure love in regards to sex. 

I've had this realization before, but I never did the hard, prolonged work to really experience what it could be like. Without caffeine, sugar, hot sex...whatever. I came up with very clever excuses for doing and having anything I wanted. But none of it really brought me much clarity, if anything I ended up more confused, scattered, and feeling less whole.

I guess, I am curious about consuming, or rather turning that word into "pure appreciating" what it is that I am experiencing. To have coffee once a month would be so special and sacred. And what I have realized is that my ego gets very envious of highly disciplined people. The only reason for this that I have come up with is that, I too just want to be disciplined. Or rather, to have more self control. To be in control of my inner life. Maybe that would make letting go of external control much, much easier.

So, here I go making a few changes to start my new year. Just to see what happens...