Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Old Self Teaches Now Self

 Found this today. Wrote it sometime in early Feb. 2014:

On the 5:15am train ride into the city to teach my 6:30am class, I noticed a passed out homeless man who had his hips touching the seat, his feet on the ground, and the rest of his body laying on the 6 train seat. The shape of his body was an upside down “L”, the smell of his body was torturous, and seeing this somebody’s condition was heart wrenching. I did not pay too much attention to the sleeping man, in fact I remember thinking as I turned away, “That is not what I want to see first thing in the morning, no, no, no way.”

As I caught my aversion to the suffering, I created an interesting dialogue with myself. What am I turning away from? Why? I was turning away from looking at human suffering at a very extreme level. Why? Because it made me uncomfortable. So by sparing myself my own feelings of discomfort, I scoffed away.

Being interested in Buddhism, aversion, suffering, and the human condition…after catching the thought of aversion and my corresponding action, I was curious to turn around and just be with it for a moment. I wanted to embrace this. Embracing reality, embracing what is, embracing my own feelings and experience of another human’s serious suffering. Not the kind of suffering that I feel on a very superficial level…but the suffering that does not have a home. The suffering that is hardly embodied. Skin and bones so fragile, a body that is hardly breathing. As I looked at this man I even questioned if he was alive or not. It was really difficult to tell.

As I continued looking into this feeling of discomfort, I found something interesting. I asked myself “Why am I teaching yoga this morning? Why do I practice this practice?"

Yoga reminds me that I can hold space for all of it. I can handle, witness, and hold space for my own human suffering and the suffering of others as well. I can witness the darkness, greet it with empathy, and feel into it, around it, through it, and above it. Yoga strengthens my body, but mostly my heart. It reminds me that I can keep a veil of love and protection around me at all times, yet still penetrate the deepest core of feeling and witnessing to whatever comes up.


Right now was a great time to stumble upon this writing from my past. Good reminder from a previous reflective morning. Thank you, past Self. 

Similiar theme in my life now... Sitting and dealing with discomfort. Not trying to mask it, fake it, turn away from it, suppress it, mistake it, discard it, nor escape it.

Leaning into it a bit. Leaning into letting go. Holding space for my new transition. Leaning into following my heart, all the way through---it's what got me where I am right now.

No attachment.


Bye-bye Queens. Thank you for the reintroduction back to NYC. Thank you for the necessary challenges and all your moments of cozy comfort and ease. Learned a lot about my voice the past 10 months. Learned a lot about my intuition, where I am willing and not willing to compromise. You set my heart aflame and reworked and reinspired my necessary-inner-biatch. Yeah, she really got molded and sculpted in the most raging of ways. Aho!

See you soon Brooklyn! I wonder what you have planned...

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