Ideas are to Seeds as Actions are to Flowers

So it's been a hot minute since I have even had the time to post. But not having the time is a silly excuse, since it is 4am and I do have to work in a few hours. SLEEP WHEN THE BODY IS TIRED. It is such a sacred gift for the creative energy to spontaneously arise! Must use it when it's hot, regardless of time!

So I've been in NYC for about 3.5 months. I feel blessed to live in a city that allows me to fall in love with it everyday. Some days, up to 6 times a day. That is a lot of love!  Friends, family, mom, and dad: Texas is for visiting now : )

I am learning to fall in love with frustration too. Today I handed out flyers to support Malt n' Mold, a small specialty beer and cheese shop on the Lower East Side. Got VERY lost on my way back to the shop. But that is part of it, and I'm sure I learned something about the city that will come in handy in a few days. Seems to be the case with EVERYTHING these days. In the moment, I feel like I am wasting time, resources, or energy...and then within days, the lesson or the "useless" information actually turns out to be just what I was looking for. Frustration=fruit for the future.  

Lots of planting seeds recently. Exciting things on the horizon.

The burden of finding out I was one credit shy from graduating a few months ago has turned out to be 108 small angels. I created 108 postcards for my independent painting class...and tomorrow I am taking them into a print shop so I can start to sell my art. Business cards are being made as well. Frustration=fruit for the future.


The seed of traveling to India was planted long ago. And I believe that it will be a reality this winter. To spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and my birthday in India sounds like the most exquisite way to end 2012, welcome 2013, and start my 24th year. 

One more instance of a seedling: back in Texas, a few months before I moved to NYC... I created an elaborate profile for an egg donor agency. I have always been interested in the process and find a lot of joy by donating blood, plasma, bone marrow, etc. So I figured, this would be a great idea. Last week, I heard back from the agency saying that there is a couple in New Jersey (how convenient is this!?!) that are interested in my eggies. Thrilled to see where this goes. Thrilled to learn more about my body from the inside out, thrilled to give life. 

We must implement our ideas, our seeds, our eggs. There is power in action and gratifying rewards to be harvested. Don't sleep and drown the dancing, feminine, creative power that exists in every single moment! I think the universe weeps with joy when we use the gifts of her giving!

It is now 5am, my body wasn't tired, so I didn't sleep...now it's time to practice my moving prayer.

In love,

Candice 

Observations of Pain and Bra Burning

I started this blog as a way of liberating my thoughts, the connections, and parallels I notice in my life. I do feel that when someone does this...liberates their thoughts and views, it will ultimately have to ripple and affect at least someone. Some one or two.

Lately, I have been quite interested and intrigued by the sensing world. Not only sensing as in our intuition but also a very physical experience of sensations. Our ability to sense, to smell, to feel upon our largest organ, the skin.

With our skin stretched upon our bodies, covering the blues and bones...we have every opportunity to feel and experience pleasure and of course, pain. Which leads me to my next area of interest...what exactly is pain? And is it just a perception?

Two of the most profound understandings of pain have been realized when I was indeed experiencing something very uncomfortable, but in that exact moment, I asked myself... "What is it that makes me not enjoy this?...Is this truly pain, discomfort, irritability? Or is all of this my conditioning to thinking that this is pain and that I shouldn't enjoy it, just for what it is?"

Instance #1. I had food poisoning a while back. I was vomiting in my bathroom at my old apt. Very upset stomach. And then those series of questions happened. Right in the moment of purge. My upset stomach didn't go away, but my fixating on my perceived misery did. And at that moment, I thought...this too can be something sweet. This vomiting, ill belly, shivery shaking, can also be accepted into my realm of appreciating my life. I tried to become very intimate with what was happening. Very curious about this body and how it reacts to spoiled or disagreeable food. The whole situation shifted into being something I was bothered by to something I was still bothered by but EXTREMELY intrigued with.

Instance #2: Got a very, very bad sunburn at the beach a few days ago. Maybe the worst sunburn I have had in at least 10 years. Just on my back. It is now peeling like crazy, a shedding of some old skin, which I too find some interest in. The days following the bloody burn, I had to wear a backpack, clothes...skipped on the bra though...which TOO turned into a titillating ( : experiment of liberating myself, and also noticing how New Yorkers respond to the fast paced bra-less walking. (HA!)

But for the first half of my journey walking with a backpack, my thoughts were primarily focused on how much longer until I get to the subway, can take off this pain-pack and find some relief without anything rubbing against my burn. Basically searching the many ways I could not feel what I was feeling. And then it happened again! Some light-filled thought of...try understanding more of what it is to be burned. By something as powerful and mighty as the sun. That kiss from the sun was so super sexy that it burned the hell out of my back. SO HOT that I can feel it days later. And the switch from pain, annoyance, trying to escape...shifted to extreme interest and investigation of the sensations upon my skin. I could feel the entirety of the experience...hot and cold. Heat and chills. The feelings turned very neutral then. Just something else mundane to watch and witness.

As little or insignificant this may seem, I feel like this is something really, really huge. Something that transcends sunburns and tummy aches. Something that can aid to find peace, deep understanding, and acceptance to whatever it is that comes up to trigger an initial reaction of "Ouch. I don't like this. I want this to go away." Whether that comes in the form of scrapes, bruises, emotional insecurities, ridiculous yoga asanas, despair, bad dreams, burning your tongue on too hot, too sexy coffee.

Only outta love,
Candice 

Schedule Searching, NY tight-ness, & Comparisons

Good afternoon, my dear darlings from the big manzana!
Life is continuing to progress better and better everyday here.

Still loving my barista job. As far as teaching yoga goes, I am
subbing a class for a studio that is literally 20 deep breaths (if that) away from
my house starting this coming Tues. And, I am also going to start teaching a weekly class at the coffee shop I work at. Excited about this...should be a nice neighborhood crowd, everyone hopped
up on caffeine...should be able to jump through and jump back quite swiftly.

So, I suppose a schedule is settling in, which brings a little bit of ease to my mind.
Yeah, yeah the queen of "no plans" secretly feels delight and comfort in (loose) plans!

On another note as far as plans go... still entertaining the idea of moving to Austin at the end of summer. Looked at very reasonable $ rooms for rent out of great houses in Hyde Park. Texas won't be so oppressively hot, Austin rocks, and ofcourse being closer to my boo is muy importante. Also, I have some good job opportunities/growth opportunities in store if I shall desire them.

Either way, anyway, I know I will be happy and be making the best possible choice ever. Whichever direction my nose takes me. Anywhere we go, there we are, and joy, abundance, and happiness is right there with us. Yes?

Now, lets talk yoga. I surrendered a bit today. I decided that, until I get really consistent with my practice again, 2nd series is not necessary. Primary is primary and any ideas of boredom are illusions and excuses to not looking DEEPER. New York has me on this whacky schedule of getting allured into fun nightlife, and some mornings neglecting my practice. I am sorry, body.

Also, I am finding in this large and grand city, that there is just more tightness IN my body. Quite a few more obstacles than in safe haven San Marcos. Getting a jolt of panic, tension, or fear happens more often for me here. And my body makes a quick grimace, and then my hips feel tight, and then putting a leg behind my head all of a sudden seems quite unreasonable.

So I decided today, that what my body used to do doesn't really matter. She is still capable of learning anything and everything, with a little more attention to time management and given more love. Comparing then and now, doesn't quite do me any peace. This is it. This is all it. This is my body and my life RIGHT NOW.

I guess, this goes for any other type of comparison. Old room, new room. Old car, new subway. Old plenty, new minimal. Old job, new job. All of it is worthy and beautiful, and I am still being taken care of by the gentle guidance of the universe. So, I guess I can relax now.

Life Unraveling and the Changing of Temperature

 Hot day: fast flow, warm, sunny, bright, positive, hot and bothered in a great way.

Hi all. I am enjoying NYC a lot. A LOT. I feel like I have experienced so much in very little time. Cool art openings. Lots of navigating. Took a hiking trip upstate.

Life unravels quickly here. It's great. 3 days after I got here, I had an interview at Pushcart Coffee...2 days later I was hired...and then a day later I started training. And today I had my first full shift. I'm excited about the Stumptown coffee tour and training I will get to do in Brooklyn soon. Brooklyn Brewery tour will be soon too. Not work related, however.

Everything is so damn local here! I learned today that the gentleman that makes the ice cream we sell in the shop lives in the neighborhood. That's amazing!

Also, I get to make a trip up to Harlem next week to finish a NY food handlers permit. I organized it, so I can also go to the Bronx Zoo (which is free that day).

There is so much to be inspired by here. Finding space and time to express it is the test.

Things I am learning:
-My happiness has little to do with location. I think I could go anywhere and be happy.
-There are people here that remind me of people from Texas and home. And it makes the world feel united and small. And maybe we don't vary as much as we think we do from others.

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Cold day: bitter, blue, little flow, raising voice, cursing lots.

The writing above was from yesterday. Yesterday was much more optimistic. Today tasted a bit sour, stale, and stagnant. Another side of the city, or maybe just life.

I found out today that I am actually not graduated. To save time and energy, I will just say that I am 3 hours shy of graduating. This should have been brought to my attention months ago from my adviser, whom I met with a few times...whatever...I actually never want to talk about this again until I finish that last class...

So now I am in a process of trying to take a special problems painting class via correspondence. I will know shortly if it will work out.

If anything, I think I realized my agony of the idea of having to move back and finish up 1 semester. A chapter is pending here. Today was a day of utter discouragement, pride shattering, and a few troubleshooting strategies. And realizing how much I really do like it here.

I also realized that being around people I love when I am angry, is awful. But this also makes me ask why I or WE try to hide the really fiery emotions? Carl Jung reminded us of our shadow selves, and the many avenues of good lessons and light that can pass through when we look at our shadows in the eye, sword in hand, and get to work.

I'm still in the blindfolded in the dark phase and cannot really see the benefit or wisdom of this particular obstacle. At least yet.

So today I just let myself be mad and did what I could to remedy it. Anger and tears of frustration. I can still feel the steam under my skin.

Yet again, I will just trust it. ALL of it. Surrendering whatever I need to. Okay, fine. I will relinquish control, and just watch.

Acclimation Participation

Howdy, from NYC. I made it, we made it. When we (Eric and I) arrived it was a bit rainy and dreary, yet the city still stole my affection. I have pondered a new time ratio...or at least some kind of new time perception...

1 Texas day=3 NYC days (at least!)

The amount of new faces, different subways, new languages, new cultures I am embedded in are uncountable. I LOVE IT.

I have never needed to cultivate such grounding and centering in my life as I feel necessary here. Quite a change I embarked on. My yoga practice is my solid place, oh my. I am so thankful for Ashtanga and now more than ever, it is my deepest home. My practice reminds me of home, and it feels comfortable. STABLE. Even in a new studio and new teacher, which by the way, are both extraordinary lovely and kind. I knew she was a good fit when she said , "See you tomorrow, right?!"

Encouragement. A sweet reminder of where the party is really at.

All of this acclimating and adjusting feels great. I just never know here. Always on my tip-toes. I know it's only been 3 days, if that, but remember to me this is about 9 days worth of grooving. Today, I almost got smacked with a basketball when I was getting on the subway to leave Williamsburg to come home. I swear I could feel the little braille like bumps on the b-ball slide on my cheek! I gotta just groove with it and participate.

A few more observations:
**Getting lost=finding cool new alternate routes. Or a sinking pit of doom-like feeling until I figure out where the F i am.
**Walking in Times Square area when I am starving creates a heat wave of agitation that I have never felt before. Luckily, there are grocery stores and coffee shops every which way. SAVED!
**The planning mind is really helpful here. Really. Really. Really.
**My I-phone is a heaven sent device created by all the gods that you and i both worship! (I never thought I would say that) everrrrrr.

Now.

It's time to start organizing my route for a interview I have!! Super excited about this. Interview with a coffeeshop hip place in the lower east village.

Distance: 3.87 miles
Estimated time: 43 minutes

HOW AWESOME IS THAT. 43 minutes worth of soaking up information, developing Hippocampus skills, and total adventure.

Please universe, keep aligning your stars. OUR stars.

Sincerely Texan,

Candice


p.s i love you.

Deterioration of Things Domestic

 The countdown is on:
30 days til graduation
33 days until I move


I have been abnormally anxious and antsy the past few days. Like I am overflowing with energy but I don't know where to put it. It really doesn't help when I have 3 paintings due in 3 weeks and I had to order the canvas's online....yesterday. 


Chakra paintings are still in progress, but all of them are at least 85% finished. Or something like that. The chakra paintings have been challenging to work on this week. I believe it to be an avoidance issue; I haven't wanted to think of how they will take my place in the studio, instead of me. I'm not quite ready to let that storm break through quite yet. Perhaps I should change the train of thought to... since I am leaving, these better suffice well! Work hard, put every single last drop of love and affection into these!


Technical-tangible-physical- world related difficulties this week! 


The week I am wanting to sell my favorite couch, the AC unit decided to leak not once, or twice, but three times...water all over the couch. Mystery puddles, as I have been calling them. Sobs from a red saint. 

Biggest bet peeve: things breaking down. Computers, vacuums, leaks, doorlocks, screen doors. Damn domestic things.


I've been trying to think...okay, what needs to be done before I up and leave...I feel as if I am leaving things out. Or that I should have more things together in NYC. 

pppffff, that aint my style. 

Trust the universe. She provides. Always has. This change will be no different. 

TRUTH! 

 

Tingles of Imagination Wild

 Spring Break in a few words:

Giving. Receiving. Allowing. Being. Movement. Gears. Rivers. Water. Yum-yum.

Waking life feels like a dream, absurdly surreal these days. My week of spring break was incredible and quite enchanting. All of it.

The trip to the Ouachita National Forest with beautiful people, backpacking, rivers, meadows, peace and quiet.

Profound love. Perfect.
Tears. Perfect.
Big hugs. Big love. All perfect.

Sirque de Soleil awestruck. Inquisitiveness.

Healing groups with overwhelming compassion, self love, humanity love.
Tears, kissed perfect. The kindness of strangers.

Total embrace. Connection.




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To touch back on the topic of my coffee ban and vegan experiment...it is still going pretty well. I've adjusted a few things, and have realized a few things in these adjustments.

I've adjusted to drinking coffee again. (hehehe) It all started when it was midnight and my turn to drive on my roadtrip to Arkansas. I didn't have a choice, but to use coffee and the beautiful stimulant that it is! Also, my mama coincidentlely was reading The Caffeine Advantage when I went home the other night. Total sign. We engaged in a discussion how some of the oldest living people we know (including my great grandmother who lived to be 104) were coffee drinkers. Living to be 108 is a goal of mine, so I might as well get back on that grind : ) I want to develop the soul that lives in my body SO much with years of experience & love so the next someone or something that gets to borrow her can have more freedom and love in their life. Yes. YES!

I made it 3 weeks! So a little shy of 30 days. But, now this lesson is a lesson in self love. And no judgment. I don't have to complete a goal 100% to remember that I am disciplined and great. Unconditionally loving myself, no matter what. No matter what error (or perception of error) occurs. 

Whispering to myself...


Whatever he or she or me does, I love you. We can do no wrong. And even the "wrongs" can be forgiven with time. All is but an illusion. Thank you mirrors.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Culmination of Thoughts Thoughts

Tuesday will mark my two weeks without coffee. Most mornings I wake up groggy and a little pissed but I am hoping it will pass. Maybe I need a little more sunshine and river time. I do feel like extracting things from the diet (and life)...will be beneficial. Soon. Just right now, it isn't much fun. It feels similar to a breakup.

Vegan eating is challenging. Waiters forget to cut the cheese, but I just try to work around it. I guess I could drive myself insane worrying about the little details...eggs in bread? Eggs in this tortilla? Is this faux leather on this messenger bag strap? These things, I am trying to dismiss for my own sanity. Perfection is a nasty habit. ahfiudsugnfsdugnubgnukrdbguirgurdngnelrtgkndfjngk

My mind feels like a rainstorm and I really fucking miss coffee. (***See bottom for side note...or bottom note) It has occurred to me that everything that I am experiencing really has nothing to do with the food, or drink...but something deeper. Something much more hidden. The uncovering process feels painful, but where there is deep darkness, the brilliant sun and light is right around the corner.

This is a practice in trust. Trusting myself, with what I am doing will eventually lead me to my destination, or to a new level of living and experiencing my reality. Something better. Clarity is the goal but this purging process seems to be clarity's counterpart. A lot of confusion and inner turmoil and not understanding things simply as they are. Toe-curling discomfort in this body's skin some days.

This is a practice in patience. Delaying gratification. Holding out for something sweeter, something of a deeper lesson. Just watching. Breathing through discomfort. Less reactionary behavior.

Half of me thinks this is ridiculous! And that I am cutting off my life force! By not allowing simple pleasures! That I should stop this immediately and clear my headache. But these thoughts, I am marking as the clever excuses to stay the same person. 

This has nothing to do with coffee anymore. This is giving up avenues of pain from toxic sources. Coffee is not the toxicity, just the path of me understanding what it truly is that needs to be released from my life. And using this disciplinary path to get there.

Aside from the inner vampires, the weekend was absolutely beautiful. Friday marked the end of my yoga teaching marathon. Twenty-one classes in 14 days. Jacob's Well is still one of my favorite places to visit, a little piece of peace.

I still enjoy occasional trips to San Antonio and the culture downtown. The Women's Day March was awesome and I am always happy to support the success of my friends. Dharma Yoga is still a retreat for me.

And I still am in love with Austin, TX.

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***I am very aware that perhaps my teachers, parents/family, yoga students, etc. may see and read this. I have realized that occasional dropping of F bombs is extremely liberating for me (especially because in the yoga world/professional world/whatever, I often try to hide such language because I might need to seem like I have it all together... Occasional F bombs = Open Vissudha Chakra = More creativity to come!!! ***

22 years and 364 days old.

Today is my last day of being twenty-two. Twenty two is my favorite number and when I was 18, I thought for sure I would have a tattoo by now. Nope, not yet. Birthdays get me very contemplative, more so than New Years, for this truly is my individual start to my new year.

Last year, my goal was to take risks. Big risks. To jump out of planes. I definitely did in many realms...love, art-making, and literally I went sky diving. I even met a stranger off of Craigslist, which actually turned out to be the best date I've ever been on. Big risks=big fun : )

I still like this idea of big risks, like moving across the country (which I hope to do in a few months((New York, I love you))) but my risk taking tactics will change a little this year. Taking risks but being equally as discriminating. Discriminating when it comes to consumption. Food, drink, sex. I decided yesterday that I would try to be a vegan for 30-40 days. And to not be a coffee drinker anymore. Maybe on occasion, but yes...as of now, I do not drink coffee daily anymore. My goal is clarity. To be as clear as possible with my own perceptions of reality. To notice more, to feel more. To not need something external to get me high. To focus on my core, my solar plexus, my personal power...all starting with my gut and digestive system. To consume more pure foods, pure liquid, and pure love in regards to sex. 

I've had this realization before, but I never did the hard, prolonged work to really experience what it could be like. Without caffeine, sugar, hot sex...whatever. I came up with very clever excuses for doing and having anything I wanted. But none of it really brought me much clarity, if anything I ended up more confused, scattered, and feeling less whole.

I guess, I am curious about consuming, or rather turning that word into "pure appreciating" what it is that I am experiencing. To have coffee once a month would be so special and sacred. And what I have realized is that my ego gets very envious of highly disciplined people. The only reason for this that I have come up with is that, I too just want to be disciplined. Or rather, to have more self control. To be in control of my inner life. Maybe that would make letting go of external control much, much easier.

So, here I go making a few changes to start my new year. Just to see what happens...