Sunday, March 4, 2012

Culmination of Thoughts Thoughts

Tuesday will mark my two weeks without coffee. Most mornings I wake up groggy and a little pissed but I am hoping it will pass. Maybe I need a little more sunshine and river time. I do feel like extracting things from the diet (and life)...will be beneficial. Soon. Just right now, it isn't much fun. It feels similar to a breakup.

Vegan eating is challenging. Waiters forget to cut the cheese, but I just try to work around it. I guess I could drive myself insane worrying about the little details...eggs in bread? Eggs in this tortilla? Is this faux leather on this messenger bag strap? These things, I am trying to dismiss for my own sanity. Perfection is a nasty habit. ahfiudsugnfsdugnubgnukrdbguirgurdngnelrtgkndfjngk

My mind feels like a rainstorm and I really fucking miss coffee. (***See bottom for side note...or bottom note) It has occurred to me that everything that I am experiencing really has nothing to do with the food, or drink...but something deeper. Something much more hidden. The uncovering process feels painful, but where there is deep darkness, the brilliant sun and light is right around the corner.

This is a practice in trust. Trusting myself, with what I am doing will eventually lead me to my destination, or to a new level of living and experiencing my reality. Something better. Clarity is the goal but this purging process seems to be clarity's counterpart. A lot of confusion and inner turmoil and not understanding things simply as they are. Toe-curling discomfort in this body's skin some days.

This is a practice in patience. Delaying gratification. Holding out for something sweeter, something of a deeper lesson. Just watching. Breathing through discomfort. Less reactionary behavior.

Half of me thinks this is ridiculous! And that I am cutting off my life force! By not allowing simple pleasures! That I should stop this immediately and clear my headache. But these thoughts, I am marking as the clever excuses to stay the same person. 

This has nothing to do with coffee anymore. This is giving up avenues of pain from toxic sources. Coffee is not the toxicity, just the path of me understanding what it truly is that needs to be released from my life. And using this disciplinary path to get there.

Aside from the inner vampires, the weekend was absolutely beautiful. Friday marked the end of my yoga teaching marathon. Twenty-one classes in 14 days. Jacob's Well is still one of my favorite places to visit, a little piece of peace.

I still enjoy occasional trips to San Antonio and the culture downtown. The Women's Day March was awesome and I am always happy to support the success of my friends. Dharma Yoga is still a retreat for me.

And I still am in love with Austin, TX.

***I am very aware that perhaps my teachers, parents/family, yoga students, etc. may see and read this. I have realized that occasional dropping of F bombs is extremely liberating for me (especially because in the yoga world/professional world/whatever, I often try to hide such language because I might need to seem like I have it all together... Occasional F bombs = Open Vissudha Chakra = More creativity to come!!! ***

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