Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Burning Man Changed My Life This Year...And I Didn't Even Have to Go

Yes, the title is correct. 1000% correct.

I have heard countless life changing Burning Man stories---epiphanies, divine synchronicities, love stories, and let-go stories that have all happened on The Playa.

My Burning Man story this year was a bit different...and it is still unfolding…still burning…

I got my SCORE of a ticket for Burning Man in May. Very affordable, considering. I was accepted into an amazing camp with about 8 of my closest girlfriends. I was even approved and put on the schedule to teach a nude yoga class with one of my best friend's, DJ Miss Jade, that would be spinning some hot deep house electronica. New experiences, yes! Pushed out of the comfort zone, absolutely. I was ready and so excited!

Life switched gears and tempo about a month after making plans...not a whole lot, but enough to throw my Burning Man plan off-key. Now this next section could become a whole other blog, or even book...but in the very shortest...I walked back into a relationship that had a hold on all of my heart strings. Every single one of them. Heart strings, ego strings, past life strings, some of my soul chords too. A relationship so deep and a love so old---ancient, timeless, that I forgot about myself, yet at some points all I could see was myself. The mirrored match. The selfish-selfless dance. A trance.  The "You will see, learn, hate, appreciate, love, detest, lust, disgust more than you ever want to see mirrored back to you" kind of duo. In two words---heavy healing.

I found myself being given an ultimatum: to choose Burning Man or the relationship. With trying to keep my judgments low and fair, I see both sides. Burning Man and the ideology is not for everyone. Some people would be terrified to have their partner go to Burning Man without them, some would be totally turned on, some may find a way to make it their destiny too, some may be enthusiastically supportive, some may be neutral or ambivalent. I understand all sides. Some more than others, but I get it. I hear it.

I hear and see "Choose Love" all over the place. Tee shirts, memes, themes for yoga classes. Sometimes this path is clear and easy, but sometimes "Choosing Love" is actually really hard to follow. Wait, am I choosing Self-Love or the love of someone else? I am choosing what I really want or am I choosing what someone that I love really wants...

With the tools, emotions, hope, and faith that I had at that time: I chose the route of union. The route of two, of relationship. I chose to stay in the relationship, and not go to Burning Man.

I now see things more clearly:

1. Either route would have been the path of Love whether it was self-exploration, travel, and GOING to Burning Man, or the route of "The Lovers".

2. I now realize more of what I need from a partner and a love relationship: F-R-E-E-D-O-M. No choices. It's not one over the other, but it is both. There must be a way to find both, to support both. There must be a way to be committed, yet be free. Free singing songbirds.

3. Moving forward, I do not subscribe to an enclosed love anymore. I wish I could. It would make things a lot easier, and I think my seeking would have been quenched a long time ago. Instead, I choose a path of radical self-honesty, of radical freedom. The unknown and unexplored holds more lessons and value to me than the route of safety, of security. Because all of that is fleeting anyways. I’d rather live without the mask. So moving forward, this is no longer a part of my definition of love. Sacrifice travel, adventure, and freedom for another's comfort and lessening of pain: this is not my truth anymore. It’s an unwise compromise.

My heart and love have outgrown these patriarchal confines and limitations. Ego is small, but love is large.

Love is infinite. It doesn’t begin nor end in this lifetime.

Love is incredibly vast and expansive. There are no limits. And in some cases, no boundaries.

Love is harmonic.

So moving this short story of events forward, my counter offer to NOT going to Burning Man, was a European trip together. I had never been to Europe--we had never traveled together—a fair and everyone wins compromise.  

Plane tickets purchased. Planning in progress...

Two weeks before the up.
Breakthrough, rather. Well, a breakdown, then a breakthrough, and lastly a breakaway.

The next piece of wisdom I have learned:

Wisdom #1. Nothing is for certain. No person is for no more sacrificing. That is not the REAL path of love, anyways. Love doesn’t ask you to give up what you yearn and must seek in order to grow. Love lets. Love trusts. Love knows and believes in its strength. Deeply.

Wisdom #2. I am so fucking fierce. I have been told this…but now I believe this. Especially now. Choosing power and liberation over victimhood cultivates razor sharp fierceness. And that shit burns hot.

Wisdom #3. Burn the Man, Burn the Plan. When plans change, see the wild opportunity that awaits. You fly and you go, even if that means flying alone. Eagles never fly in groups…that is buzzard bullshit.

Our European trip has now taken on a whole new meaning: my solo traveling, my solo exploring, my solo adventure. Independent staccato. It could not have been any more divine, purposeful, beautiful, synchronistic, and meaningful. Most of my favorite parts would not have happened if I hadn't been alone. In fact, I needed to be alone in order for ALL of them to happen.

I met a girl in Amsterdam who was uncannily in the same flow as me. Both “supposed” to be in Europe with someone but ended up going solo. So what did we do? We went out of course! Some “only in Amsterdam” stories were created (and I may see her in Spain next month!) I definitely had some strange and unique encounters in Cologne, but the real magic was revealed in Berlin. Art, music, disco naps, meeting fellow liebekind wizard fish that only breathe and release love through their gills. (Liebe=love kind=child in Deutsch).

Every moment felt fated. Of the whole trip, that is where my song found it’s stream. Life strangely flowed. Life always flows, but this was a different kind of current. I found my frequency. Progressive and funky. Textured, deep, dark, yet polyphonic and playful.

 This interconnectedness makes me certain that there is no doubt a higher dance, a higher calling, a higher meaning to every---single---thing. Nothing is mistaken; nothing is forgotten; everyone's heartstrings and soul chords are heard. Everything works out; everything is orchestrated. It’s just a matter of time before the beats align.

So the result of all this...I bought a one-way ticket to Berlin. I leave in less than a month! A week at Burning Man was replaced with an unknown return date to Berlin.

Berlin sang my new song to me and hasn't stopped singing since I came back to Brooklyn. I don't know how long the song is, but I know I must play it. For the first leap of faith has no one else involved. Just me. Just my own music, my own rhythm, my own jazzy, house nasty, melodic, yet technotic drum beat disco bass. I need to dance!

 I'm not going on a hike to hike someone else's dream; I am not moving across the country for love; I am not saying I will stay to spare someone discomfort, because I have done all of these things before—and they were all beautiful albums and tracks in my life, but they were not my song. My song is sharp and it’s about time I listen to it loud.

I am going to Berlin as an independent, whole, and still healing individual. Who is responsible for this? Me! Who is making this decision? Ahh, yes, me too. No more consulting the choir.

It has been such a trip to realize how responsible for my own life, happiness, desires, and values I am. My heart beats in my own chest, in my own body. There is a reason you cannot hear or feel the bass from where you aren't supposed to. And I'm not supposed to hear or feel your bass from where I am. Our hearts may be similar, but you don't have the key. Only I do. It’s my love note, my love song.

What a silly and irresponsible notion of someone else having a key to your heart. No they don't. You do. Start unlocking it, morning bird. You have the key and there is only a cage if you choose it. And if you lost your key, you are responsible for seeking and finding it now. We all are. We are all responsible for finding our own music, our own song. Then we must sing it and we must share it.

So, Burning Man: thank you. You played your role perfectly and have been quite the catalyst for many unknown and unexplored adventures…

Me NOT going to Burning Man was a huge Burner Awakening. Lots of epiphanies, divine synchronicities, love stories, and let-go stories for this this years burn...

1 comment:

  1. I love you so much- especially for seeing you through many of the things you wrote about. Thank you for this inspirational Gem. You are amongst the fiercest I know <3